RonRoen

The Bromidic Introvert

Insecurities: Hating Myself

3 Sep 2017
Ronald Roen

I understand that this is a deviation from the usual topics present in this blog. But it is an issue I would like to share after reading an article about Glenn Donelly – the man who skydived nude with a violin . In summary, Glenn did what he did not only to celebrate his triumph in life, but to also tell the world that everyone can suffer from body dysmorphic disorder .

By Noelle Campbell, taken from The Huffington Post – It’s Not Just Girls. Boys Struggle With Body Image, Too.

As for myself, I feel as if I did experience such issues as well. Although, as a boy, any feelings conveyed will just be met with skepticism, and a little joke. “Boys don’t cry”or my Jesus obsessed mother would say “Hey be grateful that you are given a functioning body” and then proceed to cook all your favorite food and derail any attempts at changing – and being weak-willed, I proceed to succumb. Or an annoying brother who proceed to spell your major insecurities to your (then)crush, further chipping whatever confidence I had left to face her.

I get frustrated over things that has to do with my appearance, especially with things about my appearance – and an explosive emotional outburst will ensue. I would get frustrated at my mother for cooking for me those unhealthy treat that I oh so love, when I know in my little heart she meant the absolute best intentions for me. I would get frustrated at my brother who I know loves me. At my Father who would take a jab and asked me if I needed new clothes because I am always wearing the same ones that fit me. I absolutely hated going to a clothing store with him. He meant well when he offered to get me clothes from there and I had to get bitch-pissy and waited outside the store, telling him “NO, nothing will fit me, why can’t you understand?”

I am sorry, very sorry. But I felt helpless as these outbursts happen. I know I am being an utter shit but I couldn’t stop what I am saying. It just…comes out. After all that disgusting behavior is over and done, I would sit in my room telling myself that I am a piece of turd. Getting depressed and then proceed to gaming to get my mind over it. I will not bring it up again because when I do, I do not know if it result in another foul outburst or me having to repeat the process of self-loathe,which I find one of the most lonely and painful process to deal with.

I hated expensive clothing because I feel no matter what I wear, it will look utterly bad on me. I hated the idea of me being in a relationship with someone because I do not want to impose this loathing mindset on the person I would call my lover. I feel no one would learn to love me when I myself, don’t love me. I shut everything that leads to feelings being in motion. I will sit in my room, playing my games and inactively stopped looking and shut myself. I told my parents it was better for me to spend less time together because when we do, I hate myself for letting my emotional guard down around them, and I do let the guards down around them which led to an undesirable self-loathing outbursts. I hated my body because it no longer is in the same condition as a healthy person would be. I cried and sat on the stairs the morning I was bound for a city-event run because I felt on that day was my shot to let go of my sickness and run…because my leg is all better…only to have woken up in pain and couldn’t do the run..much less a walk. I hated my body as it is covered with eczema, dark, stretch and scratch marks. I hated myself…for being what I am – emotionally…physically…mentally…every -ly…

My friends would tell me why am I so cold and quiet most of the time…but I am like that because I am close guarding something ugly I do not want you to see. And for those who did see it, I am ashamed- I hope we are still friends, or if the bridge has burned because of my outburst, I am truly, truly sorry. And for those who finds me annoyingly talkative, thank you, because around you I can forget these insecurities.

In the media, it has always been an issue for young girls where they would inadequate from the many unrealistic effects done on model cover shots. But what about the boys who were then shown the flashy abs? Can they feel the same as the young girls, who is comparing themselves to their idols? Absolutely yes. Female celebrities all over the world has taken a stand on body dysmorphic disorder issues on young girls, but are there any who fight for the same cause for the boys? Too little. So, thank you Glenn. You have inspired me to change today. And congratulations for your victory.

 

It’s Not Just Girls. Boys Struggle With Body Image, Too.

 

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Challenge #1 – Evaluation

9 Aug 2017
Ronald Roen

  • Get to a Healthy Weight

Overweight at 96kg, healthy weight for 174cm is 78kg. THAT is the target.

Action Plan:

  • Get to a Healthy Weight
    • Meet daily step goals of 10,000 (bought a garmin tracker just for this)
    • Workout at least 4x a week
    • Develop a Hydration Habit – 3litres a day.

EVALUATION:

Getting to 78kg was not possible for a month. But 78kg is my long-term goal. In the span of the challenge(a month) I have only managed to lose 2kg. People have told me the healthy weight loss is 1kg a week – to lose 4kg was my intended goal in mind. Therefore, I have only achieved 50% of what I have intended to do.

Daily steps were changed and yet, I still struggled to meet them for majority of the month. Working out 4x a week was met for 3 weeks, which is not bad. For the week I have failed to do so was because I suffered headache and bad sleep for 2 days, and missed a workout. Hydration habit was not satisfactory. I have noticed that I tend to forget to drink whenever I am too focused on what I am doing, I should place a bottle of water within my field of view wherever I am working.

  • Confidence Boost

Low confidence has made me the poster boy for bullying target, though I am fortunate enough that it did not happen to me. (I had great classmates.) And also, I want to feel what vanity feels like. That rush when someone tells you that you look good. Or that liberating feeling of stripping your shirt off just because you feel like it. (of course, within permissible boundaries)

Action Plan:

  • Stop Picking on Skin. I have bad eczema. And made worst because I pick my skin when idle, scared, stressed, etc
  • Cold Shower. Heard it is good for eczema.
  • Lotion up after shower. Didn’t do it because I thought it was a girly thing to do (is it though?). But I guess I have to now. I’m so dry.

EVALUATION:

That rush…did not happen. Onwards I go to feed my hidden vanity!

I have noticed I don’t pick as much now. I still do…not as much or to the point where I am bleeding. Cold shower…is still cold. Lotion-ing up did not form into a habit, I will continue to do so whenever I remember.

  • Handle Life with Gout

26. Gout-sufferer. Doesn’t ring nice, does it? I understand (after countless doctors telling me that) – it is a lifelong disease. I want to learn to handle it – so the least I could do is handle it well-enough, that it doesn’t become a lifelong bother on my mind. I heard some patients that handled it good, only relapses once a year, even once every 2 years. My goal is that.

Action Plan:

  • Study on Gout.
  • Uric Acid Blood test (or blood test in general) every 4 months.
  • Develop and cook gout diet plan
  • Keep a Gout/Pain Journal

EVALUATION

I feel that I have dedicated a lot of my free time studying on gout. (lol, maybe I should go get a medical license because I have yet to find Doctors here that are satisfactory on gout knowledge). Did not do a blood test as this challenge did not coincide with the blood test schedule. I have created a diet plan, and has been sticking to it for a week. A journal was also created to document any discomfort, I will bring it on my test follow-up checks with my doctor to show him that I have done all I could and know.

Challenge #1 – Doctor Troubles

11 Jul 2017
Ronald Roen

So, in my attempt to understand gout and its affect on fitness life. I went to see a nutritionist and physiotherapist, on top of the internist I went to.

Nutritionist:

Gave me a list of food on what not to eat, which was kind-of-a lazy printout of a list I found easily while googling. I studied that list and dug deeper into the internet. And being the internet, information was conflicted. I will study this more and create a gout-friendly diet.

I wonder is that all a nutritionist should have done. Aren’t they supposed to help you create a diet plan or something?

Physiotherapist:

Was of no help. Partly my fault because I did not know that I had to be in pain for the doctor to even listen to me. I came in, she said “I see no redness or swelling, I cannot help you. What are you here for?” So I started to tell her my gout history. I had a few questions I wanted to ask (a few from the Gout and Fitness thread I started here.), but before I could even get to that she cut me off saying the same thing about me not being in pain and she could not do anything. I was annoyed (I have kind of an explosive temper), and told her then cant you at least hear me out and refer me to someone who could or a treatment plan or anything. And when she opened her mouth, her words were “look I really cannot help you unless you are experiencing pain.” I just stood up, told her sorry for wasting her time and left. To me she sounded like she has no experience in the gout field and/or too lazy to help out this misinformed patient.

Well, that was annoying. I wasted her time, i wasted my time and money. I could have googled all that shit or bought a book on it – which I did. Recipe Book and whatnot.

Guess maybe it is because I am living in a third-world country (Indonesia) where the doctors are not educated enough or just plain lazy as shit.

Action Plan:

  • Study the books – understand more
  • Create a gout diet plan – because nutritionist was of no help.

Life Challenge #1

11 Jul 2017
Ronald Roen

My first (second attempt actually) on a challenge.

3 Goals:

  • Get to a Healthy Weight

Overweight at 96kg, healthy weight for 174cm is 78kg. THAT is the target.

  • Confidence Boost

Low confidence has made me the poster boy for bullying target, though I am fortunate enough that it did not happen to me. (I had great classmates.) And also, I want to feel what vanity feels like. That rush when someone tells you that you look good. Or that liberating feeling of stripping your shirt off just because you feel like it. (of course, within permissible boundaries)

  • Handle Life with Gout

26. Gout-sufferer. Doesn’t ring nice, does it? I understand (after countless doctors telling me that) – it is a lifelong disease. I want to learn to handle it – so the least I could do is handle it well-enough, that it doesn’t become a lifelong bother on my mind. I heard some patients that handled it good, only relapses once a year, even once every 2 years. My goal is that.

Action Plan:

  • Get to a Healthy Weight
    • Meet daily step goals of 10,000 (bought a garmin tracker just for this)
    • Workout at least 4x a week
    • Develop a Hydration Habit – 3litres a day.
  • Confidence Boost
    • Stop Picking on Skin. I have bad eczema. And made worst because I pick my skin when idle, scared, stressed, etc
    • Cold Shower. Heard it is good for eczema.
    • Lotion up after shower. Didn’t do it because I thought it was a girly thing to do (is it though?). But I guess I have to now. I’m so dry.
  • Handle Life with Gout
    • Study on Gout.
    • Uric Acid Blood test (or blood test in general) every 4 months.
    • Develop and cook gout diet plan
    • Keep a Gout/Pain Journal

That is it for this challenge. Help me on this journey. Any advises are extremely welcomed. Thank you~

The Single Grain of Sand – what will he move?

24 Mar 2017
Ronald Roen

Growing up…was rather uneventful.

I do not go into fights, I do not join competitions, and I was just average in my studies.

I never stood out. No one knows me (outside my class)  and no one remembers. And so, I grew up thinking, who am I – trying to influence the world? I am nothing but a grain of sand.

A life that passes by, through an individual who thinks that the world will never be influenced by his actions. A grain of sand in the expanse of the Earth.

However, as the philosophy of Fichte goes –

“You could not remove a single grain of sand from its place without thereby changing something throughout all parts of the immeasurable whole.”

So, what will this grain of sand be capable of moving? I am excited to find out!

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