A Little Bit of Background:
So, I have joined Nerd Fitness – a community of nerds, dedicating and integrating all things nerdy with fitness. They have, of course, their website, blog and forums. However, they too have various paid programs – like the Academy where we have the sources for us to learn about fitness and health and also class-based fitness quests that gamifies our fitness journey. And what comes with Academy, is that we have an exclusive Facebook community to share whatever.
And in this community, a person started a zombie text-based RPG/fitness. Where actions, choices and fate of our characters largely depends on our exercise performance. Kind of like a Dungeons&Dragons game but with exercise, where instead of rolling the dice to decide our fate, we do push-ups.
Although, it isn’t finished, the concept had me thinking and also loving it. However, I am a very bad fiction writer (I started re-watching The Walking Dead to “study” imaginative and creative ways to kill a zombie), and so I turned to using GameBook apps as the story where my characters will be set in their world.
Of course, I will not be typing the story (because that will be copyright.). What I will do is that I will record my rolls, choices and the exercises. And then, at the end, I will post a review on this blog along with the summary of my character’s fate.
Maybe one day..someday, I will start doing my own stories! But for now…
I understand that this is a deviation from the usual topics present in this blog. But it is an issue I would like to share after reading an article about Glenn Donelly – the man who skydived nude with a violin . In summary, Glenn did what he did not only to celebrate his triumph in life, but to also tell the world that everyone can suffer from body dysmorphic disorder .
As for myself, I feel as if I did experience such issues as well. Although, as a boy, any feelings conveyed will just be met with skepticism, and a little joke. “Boys don’t cry”or my Jesus obsessed mother would say “Hey be grateful that you are given a functioning body” and then proceed to cook all your favorite food and derail any attempts at changing – and being weak-willed, I proceed to succumb. Or an annoying brother who proceed to spell your major insecurities to your (then)crush, further chipping whatever confidence I had left to face her.
I get frustrated over things that has to do with my appearance, especially with things about my appearance – and an explosive emotional outburst will ensue. I would get frustrated at my mother for cooking for me those unhealthy treat that I oh so love, when I know in my little heart she meant the absolute best intentions for me. I would get frustrated at my brother who I know loves me. At my Father who would take a jab and asked me if I needed new clothes because I am always wearing the same ones that fit me. I absolutely hated going to a clothing store with him. He meant well when he offered to get me clothes from there and I had to get bitch-pissy and waited outside the store, telling him “NO, nothing will fit me, why can’t you understand?”
I am sorry, very sorry. But I felt helpless as these outbursts happen. I know I am being an utter shit but I couldn’t stop what I am saying. It just…comes out. After all that disgusting behavior is over and done, I would sit in my room telling myself that I am a piece of turd. Getting depressed and then proceed to gaming to get my mind over it. I will not bring it up again because when I do, I do not know if it result in another foul outburst or me having to repeat the process of self-loathe,which I find one of the most lonely and painful process to deal with.
I hated expensive clothing because I feel no matter what I wear, it will look utterly bad on me. I hated the idea of me being in a relationship with someone because I do not want to impose this loathing mindset on the person I would call my lover. I feel no one would learn to love me when I myself, don’t love me. I shut everything that leads to feelings being in motion. I will sit in my room, playing my games and inactively stopped looking and shut myself. I told my parents it was better for me to spend less time together because when we do, I hate myself for letting my emotional guard down around them, and I do let the guards down around them which led to an undesirable self-loathing outbursts. I hated my body because it no longer is in the same condition as a healthy person would be. I cried and sat on the stairs the morning I was bound for a city-event run because I felt on that day was my shot to let go of my sickness and run…because my leg is all better…only to have woken up in pain and couldn’t do the run..much less a walk. I hated my body as it is covered with eczema, dark, stretch and scratch marks. I hated myself…for being what I am – emotionally…physically…mentally…every -ly…
My friends would tell me why am I so cold and quiet most of the time…but I am like that because I am close guarding something ugly I do not want you to see. And for those who did see it, I am ashamed- I hope we are still friends, or if the bridge has burned because of my outburst, I am truly, truly sorry. And for those who finds me annoyingly talkative, thank you, because around you I can forget these insecurities.
In the media, it has always been an issue for young girls where they would inadequate from the many unrealistic effects done on model cover shots. But what about the boys who were then shown the flashy abs? Can they feel the same as the young girls, who is comparing themselves to their idols? Absolutely yes. Female celebrities all over the world has taken a stand on body dysmorphic disorder issues on young girls, but are there any who fight for the same cause for the boys? Too little. So, thank you Glenn. You have inspired me to change today. And congratulations for your victory.
So, in my attempt to understand gout and its affect on fitness life. I went to see a nutritionist and physiotherapist, on top of the internist I went to.
Gave me a list of food on what not to eat, which was kind-of-a lazy printout of a list I found easily while googling. I studied that list and dug deeper into the internet. And being the internet, information was conflicted. I will study this more and create a gout-friendly diet.
I wonder is that all a nutritionist should have done. Aren’t they supposed to help you create a diet plan or something?
Was of no help. Partly my fault because I did not know that I had to be in pain for the doctor to even listen to me. I came in, she said “I see no redness or swelling, I cannot help you. What are you here for?” So I started to tell her my gout history. I had a few questions I wanted to ask (a few from the Gout and Fitness thread I started here.), but before I could even get to that she cut me off saying the same thing about me not being in pain and she could not do anything. I was annoyed (I have kind of an explosive temper), and told her then cant you at least hear me out and refer me to someone who could or a treatment plan or anything. And when she opened her mouth, her words were “look I really cannot help you unless you are experiencing pain.” I just stood up, told her sorry for wasting her time and left. To me she sounded like she has no experience in the gout field and/or too lazy to help out this misinformed patient.
Well, that was annoying. I wasted her time, i wasted my time and money. I could have googled all that shit or bought a book on it – which I did. Recipe Book and whatnot.
Guess maybe it is because I am living in a third-world country (Indonesia) where the doctors are not educated enough or just plain lazy as shit.
Growing up…was rather uneventful.
I do not go into fights, I do not join competitions, and I was just average in my studies.
I never stood out. No one knows me (outside my class) and no one remembers. And so, I grew up thinking, who am I – trying to influence the world? I am nothing but a grain of sand.
A life that passes by, through an individual who thinks that the world will never be influenced by his actions. A grain of sand in the expanse of the Earth.
However, as the philosophy of Fichte goes –
“You could not remove a single grain of sand from its place without thereby changing something throughout all parts of the immeasurable whole.”
So, what will this grain of sand be capable of moving? I am excited to find out!
Graduating from University, instantly thrusts you into the huge, wide world. And now, I am at the age where most people would feel unsure of what to do or where I am going. At least, that is what I am feeling now.
Grind through frustrations for wealth?
Learn to enjoy what you have to do?
Seek what you enjoy and be satisfied?
I really have no idea what I want and yet, unsatisfied with what I need to do.
So, I decided to take a gap year after a 3 year job where I feel that I am working and yet, not. Everyday just passed as another day. Like a factory machine, an endless cycle of action filled with feeling of mundanity – to the point that you have loss sense of dates and time.
“Wait, what day is it? I can’t tell…I have been doing this everyday. Lets just call everyday ‘Monday’.”
The reason for that gap year was that I wanted to take time, and discover -what, how, where and when-.
“What” is my aspirations
“How” to dispose of my childish dispositions
“Where” do I really want to be
“When” to -grow up- and accept realities
It is already the 6th month of my gap year. And I still have no idea.
But, I will still look forward, to the day where I will know the answers and, the excitement Teddy (Robin Williams’ Theodore Roosevelt) has for tomorrow.
Larry: I have no idea what to do tomorrow…
Teddy: How exciting!
– Conversation between Larry & Teddy, Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb
Life is like being lost, apparently.
The more you struggle,
The more confused you get about which path to take.
A person’s life is very long.
It is much too early for you to decide who you are.
So, there is no need to rush things.
Take your time, and enjoy the journey.
– An Advice from an Old Man