I spent most of my adult life with friendships that centered on a church. To which I have recently come to regret.
Lies were said – to which they claim it was a white one. White, Black or Gray – it still hurts the same. I am a person who appreciates honesty than feelings veiled by white cotton lies.
Isolation was felt. Where was the feeling of welcome when I first step foot on the doors of your community. Why was I shunned when I took the leap to leave. Was the word “Family” you so easily trumpet one of those white lies, or was it a gimmick to gather sheep to your flock? Was our ties tied without balance – where I grip it tight, and you loosely hold?
I opened my heart and shared. So did you. But it was violated. It was disgusting. You shared that you do not want to be called a hypocrite – and you have become exactly that to my ears. You shared that you do not want to be a stumbling stone – and you have become exactly that to my footing.
Today, I have decided to cut ties. Something I should have done sooner. You have chosen to exclude me in your lives, and I should have let it go as quickly as you did. Sometimes I thought to myself what have I done to incur this isolation. Or what I have done so wrong. I have let it become toxic to myself. When I always knew that you thought nothing of me.
And with this, it ends. A parting verse to my holy friends:
Look that up. I bet it is shaped like this – _|_
I am a hypocrite? Yes, I am. At least I acknowledged myself rather than proclaiming that you are “just a mere human” when confronted.
What the fuck have you been doing at church then?